Fathers and Daughters

A newly married couple agree that on the first day of their marriage they will not open the door to anyone, whoever comes. As luck would have it, the groom’s mother and father come to see the couple, ring the bell and wait right behind the door. The wife and her husband look at each other; the man wants to open the door, but because of the agreement with his wife he does not.  His parents wait no longer and leave.

After a while, the bride’s family also comes to visit. Again the newlyweds look at each other. But the bride cannot bear it and opens the door in spite of her husband. Her husband says nothing.

Years pass. After four sons, their fifth child is born, a girl. The father throws a big celebration for the newborn daughter. The wife asks her husband why he has thrown such a celebration this time, when he did not do so for the other four children. The man gives a simple answer: “Because only my daughter will open the door to me!”

This is in fact a story many of us know, showing that daughters are more compassionate and loyal than sons.  According to a recent study, too, daughters are more inclined to look after their parents and take on their care when they grow old.

A saying I have seen often on social media lately gave me the occasion to take up this subject. Sedat Peker’s citing his daughters as the reason for his agenda-shaking statements, and his words “I would burn the world for my daughters”, had drawn attention. Pictures of Sedat Peker with his daughters were shared on social media with the caption: “Future generations will owe these girls a great deal…”

You will have read Fathers and Sons, the unforgettable work by Ivan Sergeyevich Turgenev, one of the leading writers of Russian literature, which has entered the ranks of world classics. The sadness that emerges at the end of the work, which deals with the relationship between fathers and their sons, the fathers’ failure to find what they hoped for and their disappointments, are neither the first nor, it seems, will they be the last.

From the past to the present, having a son has always been considered a source of pride. A son, seen as the continuation of the family and the line, also means fresh strength to shoulder the family’s whole burden. But is it so with daughters? In many societies being the parent of a daughter has been considered a source of shame; at one time in Arab tribes, daughters were even buried alive. Even today, some families not sending their daughters to school because they think it unnecessary, and marrying them off at a young age for a “bride price”, is a sign that this antiquated mentality has not completely disappeared.

Because his sons died young, rumours were spread by certain circles about our Prophet Muhammad that his line had been cut off. Similarly, the Great Leader Atatürk was made the target of ugly insinuations by certain circles because he was not a biological father.

Turning into a matter of dispute the early death of a prophet’s sons, or the fact that a statesman who spent years on the battlefronts did not marry and have a child, is not at all a fair approach. Indeed, in a society that puts men forward and pushes girls into the background, it is quite meaningful that six of Atatürk’s eight adopted children were girls and only two boys.

As for my personal view: Whether a child is a daughter or a son does not matter; what matters is that the child turns out well… But daughters do have a special value in their fathers’ eyes.

In fact, the subject of this article is ungrateful sons and good daughters!

The history of fathers suffering because of their sons begins with the first man, Adam.  Cain is a “son” who killed his brother. I think there is no greater torment that can be given to a father… And yet the history of fathers and their children begins with such a bitter event.

I will not drag things out with a historical inventory. Let us just recall what has happened recently.

The famous names of the corruption operations of 17-25 December 2013, Bilal Erdoğan, Kaan Çağlayan, Barış Güler and Oğuz Bayraktar, were the sons of the then Prime Minister and his ministers. They came onto the agenda with allegations of bribery and money laundering. The shoe boxes and money-counting machines found in their homes are still vivid in our memories.

Lately we have often been hearing the name of Erkam Yıldırım, son of the last Prime Minister Binali Yıldırım. His remarkably rapid rise in business and his ships, growing in number by the day, are known to everyone by now. But what really kept Erkam Yıldırım on the agenda were the press reports about gambling and Sedat Peker’s allegations linking him to international drug trafficking; Yıldırım denied these allegations.

Allegations linking the death of the Kazakh journalist Yeldana Kaharman, found dead on 28 March 2019, to Tolga Ağar, son of Mehmet Ağar, were discussed for days. Sedat Peker also claimed that he had got Mehmet Ağar’s son out of a gendarmerie station; the Ağar family denied these allegations.

While there are sons who leave their fathers in such difficult positions, there are also daughters who stand by some fathers at their hardest times.

Many daughters of martyred soldiers and police officers choose these professions, following in their fathers’ footsteps with pride, as if paying a debt of loyalty.

The daughters of Aydın Doğan, one of our country’s leading businessmen, and women executives such as Güler Sabancı in the Sabancı family are successfully carrying on the family businesses.

Lawyer daughters of the soldiers tried in the Ergenekon case and of the police chiefs tried in the FETÖ cases took on their fathers’ defence.

In the famous tapes of the 17/25 December investigation, Recep Tayyip Erdoğan sending his daughter Sümeyye to help with the “job” his son Bilal could not manage is still vivid in our minds.

In fact, this last example alone is enough to describe the relationship of love and trust between fathers and their daughters.

My experience among those close to me also supports these observations. Many similar stories can be found. Many examples to the contrary can also be given. And of course we must not do an injustice to good sons.

Whatever happens, one does not give up on a child, son or daughter. What really matters is how parents raise their children. Well, after all, one of our statesmen once said: “Theft does not pass from child to father, but from father to child”! Let us end our article with a quotation from Turgenev’s “Fathers and Sons”, which inspired the title:

“Character, my dear sir, that is the main thing: A person’s character must be firm as a rock, for everything is built upon it.”